Ya know what I mean?
This is my sweet baby in the middle of a changing session... she wasn't too pleased with all of the stuff the nurse had to do to her, so she let us know. :(
To be honest, there have been many, many times during these past few weeks that I feel just like this. Yes, I am so thankful for Addie and I know that God had this all planned out... but sometimes I have trouble focusing on the "bright side."
Some days I just wish I could have kept her inside me for longer so she didn't have to figure out all of this breathing and sucking and swallowing business on her own.
Sometimes I feel so guilty that I had to get a stupid infection that made her come 12 weeks before she should have and forced her to have to live in a box instead of at our home in her own bed.
Sometimes I wish I could just breathe for her and help her get her oxygen that she needs so that all of those machines would stop beeping at her.
Sometimes I wish she was still in my belly. I wish I could still feel her move around in there. I wish I could have carried her as long as I was supposed to have carried her.
Sometimes I just need to cry, too, Addie. I completely understand.
Thankfully, though, I get through those moments just like my Addie does...
this picture was taken about 2 minutes after the crying picture was taken. :)
I then remember that I had no control over that stupid infection. None. I had done everything I knew to do to make my body a healthy and happy place for Addie. God just had plans to bring her into this world early... and again, I had no control.
I then remember that her coming early is making me a stronger person by the day. My relationship with God is growing... my relationship with my husband is growing... my relationships with my family members and close friends are growing... and I've learned more about myself in the past 21 days than I had learned in the previous 29 years combined.
I then remember that I am so lucky to have this sweet child in my life. I know many people who would give anything to have a child of their own, and I'm blessed enough to have--in my opinion--the cutest one! :)
I then remember that that box is what is keeping her alive. Those cords and probes and alarms are helping the amazing doctors and nurses take care of Addie. I am oh so thankful for each wire and cord and beep... more thankful than you'll ever know.
I then remember that the day is going to come in the near future when I can take her out of a bassinet instead of a box and hold her in my arms for as long as I want... and my hands won't get tangled up in any cords... I won't have to constantly worry about her oxygen levels as I hold her... all I will have to do is love her and hear her breathe and feel her sweet skin on mine. I dream about that day every. single. night.
Thank you, Lord, for showing me that it's okay to cry... and that You always give us reasons to smile.