Saturday, February 6, 2010

Sometimes, a girl just needs to cry.

Ya know what I mean?

This is my sweet baby in the middle of a changing session... she wasn't too pleased with all of the stuff the nurse had to do to her, so she let us know. :(

To be honest, there have been many, many times during these past few weeks that I feel just like this.  Yes, I am so thankful for Addie and I know that God had this all planned out... but sometimes I have trouble focusing on the "bright side."  

Some days I just wish I could have kept her inside me for longer so she didn't have to figure out all of this breathing and sucking and swallowing business on her own.  

Sometimes I feel so guilty that I had to get a stupid infection that made her come 12 weeks before she should have and forced her to have to live in a box instead of at our home in her own bed.  

Sometimes I wish I could just breathe for her and help her get her oxygen that she needs so that all of those machines would stop beeping at her.

Sometimes I wish she was still in my belly.  I wish I could still feel her move around in there.  I wish I could have carried her as long as I was supposed to have carried her.

Sometimes I just need to cry, too, Addie.  I completely understand.

Thankfully, though, I get through those moments just like my Addie does...
this picture was taken about 2 minutes after the crying picture was taken. :)

I then remember that I had no control over that stupid infection.  None.  I had done everything I knew to do to make my body a healthy and happy place for Addie.  God just had plans to bring her into this world early... and again, I had no control.

I then remember that her coming early is making me a stronger person by the day.  My relationship with God is growing... my relationship with my husband is growing... my relationships with my family members and close friends are growing... and I've learned more about myself in the past 21 days than I had learned in the previous 29 years combined.

I then remember that I am so lucky to have this sweet child in my life.  I know many people who would give anything to have a child of their own, and I'm blessed enough to have--in my opinion--the cutest one! :)  

I then remember that that box is what is keeping her alive.  Those cords and probes and alarms are helping the amazing doctors and nurses take care of Addie.  I am oh so thankful for each wire and cord and beep... more thankful than you'll ever know.

I then remember that the day is going to come in the near future when I can take her out of a bassinet instead of a box and hold her in my arms for as long as I want... and my hands won't get tangled up in any cords... I won't have to constantly worry about her oxygen levels as I hold her... all I will have to do is love her and hear her breathe and feel her sweet skin on mine.  I dream about that day every. single. night.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me that it's okay to cry... and that You always give us reasons to smile.


JB said...

praying for you sweet friend. you amaze me with your strength! keep smiling! :)

mandi fisher said...

girl....I know exactly how you feel. I think about you all the time and hope that things are going well. If you ever need someone to vent to, or cry to...I'm here. I've been there. I'm still there.

Kyla said...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 He understands why you would want to cry...He is right there with you through this whole thing....and will be through the tears of joy when Addie is in your arms! Love you

Corrie, Joe, & Macie said...

Sweet Johnell,

I'm crying with you:)Of course it's okay to's part of being a Mama. And I can't wait for the day that sweet Addie is snuggled in your arms at home. Continuing to pray!


Mr. and Mrs. Jackson said...

Thank y'all so much for the sweet comments... it has been an emotional couple of days. I really do appreciate each time you guys leave such encouraging words! It means so much!

Mandi-hang in there, girl! I think about you, too, and pray for you guys and Kenzie! :)

Hurricane Living said...

Oh, I so remember those feelings! Poor wonder he is so spoiled & high maintenance! Once he came home that's exactly what I did...held him CONSTANTLY!!!!! Your day will come too! Keep the faith & rest in Him! P.S.--I can see your sweet girl's cheeks filling out (I can remember getting so giddy when people told me that)! For real!

Brittany Erwin said...

Keep your head up Johnell. And, you are right, it is okay to cry. The Good Lord will not give you anything you can't handle and I do believe through our children He has a way of getting us to cling more tightly to Him. We need Him just like the air that we breathe :) He will take care of her, just keep believing, keep praying, and love her as much as humanly possible (she can still feel her mama's love no matter where she is.) We are always here for you!!! and always, always praying :)

KatieB. said...

Just seeing how you and Addie are doing! Hope she's growing big and doing great! For some reason, she stays on my mind. I have a special place in my heart for babies in the NICU. Not sure why, but it's there. Praying for her and you.

Mr. and Mrs. Jackson said...

Thank y'all so much for such sweet notes! They make my day! I'm telling you.. the prayers are working! It is so neat to visibly see God answer prayers through such a tiny little girl! :)

I'm going to try to post new pics tonight... she changes every single day! :)

Myra McEntire said...

I love you so much, sister friend. Thanks for living your faith out loud. How lucky is Addie that her mama is a warrior for her and and for the Lord as well. (((hugs)))

Nonna said...

You know I totally agree! All girls gotta cry sometime! And being a grownup just doesn't change a thing! Crying will always be a mommy emotion! And, well... just in case you wonder, grandmothers gotta cry sometimes, too! I'm right there with ya, but even through the tears there is joy, joy, joy for that beautiful, precious little angel that God has given to you and Eric, and us! Every time I think about it, I'm just amazed that God's perfect plan included letting you, and us, actually see that little miracle growing and maturing! That's something that most folks only imagine! I know God has awesome plans for Addie, which include growing into a beautiful, Godly woman like her mommy! Yes, He definitely gives us many, many reasons to smile! I love you two...and I am smiling! :)